A Deep Realization; The Crying in Class

Practice:

I really enjoy the open atmosphere our class has during our yoga practice. Its actually a little energizing and motivating to have a class that, for the most part, is in unison about being excited to learn a few new aspects of yoga. I appreciate that Dr. Schultz allows us to make suggestions about which yoga practices we would like to work on. It was nice to have an entire class day devoted to practicing poses that addressed specific parts of our bodies that we were having pains with or were acting rebellious in regards to our body (like our shoulders or lower backs).

Although I'm sure she would not call herself a yoga guru, Dr. Schultz's ability to understand the philosophy of yoga and yoga poses never ceases to amaze me. I thought it was totally awesome when we explained what parts of our body were bothering us and immediately she would respond with "Okay well for that area of the body we can do....." or "It is best to practice these poses....and if that doesn't work you should also try...". Pretttttyyy cool if you ask me. What was even more amazing to me was the fact that even though my shoulders or back weren't hurting previously, I could feel my muscles stretching and my joints becoming even more relaxed than they already were.

Reading Response:

Up until this week, reading the Bhagavad Gita has been really nothing more than just a reading and a appreciation for a new look on another culture. When I showed up to class and realized I had to pick a section of the book that stood out to me, I could only think of one section.

I was in a relationship with my ex for 8 years. During that time I had made him one of the biggest parts of my life; I made him my everything and, naturally, I had a vision of my future with him. It wasn't until the second week of school when I noticed that there was a distance between me and him. His new behavior was extremely different from what it had been in the summer (and the other past years); I had no idea what was going on between us, and was only left to think that maybe, just maybe, his distance was a cause from all the stress of coming back to school and the pressure for his December graduation. Three weeks ago I met him at his apartment to confront him about his behavior and three hours after I had arrived, I was sitting in my car with a broken heart crying. He dumped me. In short he ended up saying verbatim, and I kid you not, "I am only interested in myself right now. And I would rather hang out with my friends right now....I've decided that you are better off without me". I didn't see it coming. And its a phrase that literally haunts me everyday.... He hasn't talked to me since.

 When I had first read this section of chapter 3, I felt extremely mad. Anything I read and everything I saw only reminded me of him. It was always the same cycle: frustration, anger, EXTREME anger, confusion, sadness, crying, depression, more confusion, frustration.... blah blah.

But rereading the section in class brought on a response that I did not foresee. It wasn't until it was two people until my turn to read in class that I began to feel an overwhelming sense of guilt. I don't think I have ever despised someone so much in my life. I don't recall ever having this knot of anger in my chest and throat. I feel like it is so involuntary. I do not wish to have bad thoughts about others, even if they are the biggest jerks in the world.... but I hate him. How could he do this to me? How could he trick me like this and just throw me away??...... By the time my turn came, I read a version of the following passage in a choked up voice:

"It is selfish desire and anger, arising from the guna of rajas; these are the appetites and evils which threaten a person in this life."

And then before I knew it, the tears were coming, my throat completely closed up, and my emotions were out on display for the entire class AND my professor. (SUPER embarrasing -_- )Anger and selfish desire--they are the reasons that one cannot ever proceed in life. They threaten our wellbeing; threaten our sanity; corrupt our soul. And its so true! When I read the passage out loud, it became completely clear to me that I will never be able to move on in life until I rid myself of this anger and sadness. It really is holding me back. And I want nothing more than to just move on to a happier point in my life.... but its so hard. And the fact that it IS that hard is what made me cry for what was, pretty much, the rest of the day and week. I have NO IDEA how in the world I was able to keep my emotions at bay for the remainder of the class period...'cause let me tell you, it would have been bad if I wouldn't have.

Who knows how long this process will take. But these readings are actually helping me out in further understanding myself and some aspects in life. Sorry if I may have made the class awkward for a moment or two!